Sitting in my room and looking out the window covered in tears of the winter makes me absolutely believe that it is February only beyond this little place of the flat but in here it is always what I want. I guess, that could be called illusion. Illusion or not I like it. What I like makes me happy. When I am happy I make people around me happy, too. So, yes, illusion can be a bad thing but only when you're not aware of it, when you're certain that it could just be real if you wish. It is not bad to me anymore. It used to be. I used to make myself believe that for instance the car that I had in England was really mine because I was always told that "It's your car, you use it." or "Take care of you little clio" and so on. But if I really wanna be honest to myself I have to see that was only what I wanted believe or what the people wanted me to believe. The house I lived was the same, "it's your room" and "it's your bathroom" and I also heard many times that the house was mine, too as I had lived there for long and it was the place I felt home abroad. It was not wrong of them or myself to think or say that but it wasn't good after all, either. When it came to the time that my room was untidy because I felt like not making my bed or keeping my things in place I was told that I should do my bedroom at the age of 20. There is no shame about havign a messy room, even if it not only happens occasionly but more often because it was place for me, the empire of Melinda in England where I could enjoy being lazy, being a little bit of my old self, being the way just I maybe was. Anyway, a room that is really used is never ever so tidy. I never find anything that quick when things are in their place. You think it's bullshit? Can be bullshit or can be optional.
Whatsoever, my Hungarian room now tidy. Think, maybe because it is really mine now. God, I hope no-one gets me wrong about this illusion thing. I am ever so pleased I had those people by my side and all the things they gave me in every way I can never be thankful enough but now - even though the situation of this place and country is nowhere near to the Uk's - my life seems a little more real. I have no idea why I shouldn't even try to find a correct explanation. Perhaps, the closeness of my family and a love I found or the behaviour of certain people towards me whom I expected nothing like that - in a positive way. I believe that in life there are many changes we have to accept and this is one of them. It will change, too and I will have to like it. Changes so far have been good things in my life so I'll hekp them happen. Let's see what comes next.
Have a nice day readers!
m
she's back :))) yeeey
ReplyDeleteand ... illusions are fine still you are within the limits of common sense however, for now you realised those were illusions and these are real :)